The End?

Yup, this is my last official class post. I don't know if I'm going to keep up with this blog. I could. I do like the title. But definitely not three times a week. I'm simply not interesting enough for that. And, if I'm blogging so much I'm not out doing things to blog about. I'm definitely taking the rest of December off, though, and then I'll decide whether or not to come back to the blog-o-world. I have considered a Not So Southern blog, all about me--sort of southerner--here in the icy, windy north. My first year in Baltimore was filled with funny mishaps, often because of this cultural gap. The second has been less so, but then I haven't been out and about as much either. Since I don't work and I have inernet at home, I don't spend quite as much time on the streets as I used to do. Not that I was "working the streets" but I walked on them, ran into people, saw many a man peeing in a bus stop, slipped on banana peels, accidentally protested Constellation energy.

My life has gotten entirely too dull in the last six months. Well, maybe I'll continue this blog just to force myself to go out and report on Baltimore and reconnect with my life of mishap.

In the meantime, there are still weevils in the tack, I'll be in the fighting tops for our next engagement, and Quig's been banned from cards until he pays what he owes. Finally, the honorable General Erastus B. Tyler is coming aboard and that's something to look forward too.

Cheers,
LV

After Thursday

When I left the lab today everything was working. When I got home, nothing was. Of course, as it turns out my code just won't work in Internet Explorer. Which I'm great with. It is, according to a friend, working just peachy in Mozilla. So, huzzah!

I'm half through with all three revisions. Well, with two revisions, I can't guess on the fiction piece. There are colostomy bags, frozen babies, and pirate hunters. They make it difficult to guess where everything is going. What's up for when all the fun is done? Buying a winter coat. Finding a part-time job. Reading. So many things I want to read. And a Christmas tree.

But, first, a party for editorial style. That's right. Wine and food at Arthur's house. I'm always a little weirded out by going to professors' houses. Is this just me? Just my own awkwardness with authority? Something left over from elementary school? Am I the only one? (Like Highlander. Good movie. Except for the one, which is not.)

Oh, well, forward to the awkward! (And  maybe a piano.)

Cheers,
LV

Almost

So, despite a week in WV in which I did not have any access to the Creative Suite I am nearly done with my e-pub page. I uploaded everything but one page, which I will complete tomorrow morning. I'm very excited. I asked my FB friends for help, but if anyone out there has the time and wants to user test my site I would appreciate it:

Not-So-Southern Magnetic Cockney

Like it, hate it, see major mistakes? I would appreciate any and all feed back. Just remember, the Fill-in-the-blank page has not been posted to the internet so that link will be dead. Hope all is going well with your projects!

Cheers,
LV

Another Question

During class someone took us to an image site that had government photos, only I can't find it. Can anyone send me that?

The reason for this question is the fail of a group project that I'm working on for my editorial style class. Of three of us, the one who volunteered to design the newsletter failed miserably. I'm curious if any government images might work in my and my other partners attempt to fix the horrible-ness of it all.

We're in graduate school, by now I woul dhave thought everyone I worked iwth in a group would pull their weight. If someone had a conflict I would have thought they'd inform someone so they could pick up the slack.

I'm really infuriated. Frustrated. And I wanted to spend my last night in WV hanging out with my mom. Instead, I'm doing what I can from here to prepare to spend hours in the Design Lab tomorrow. Really fantastic.

Cheers,
LV

Phantom Line

Question: Does anyone know the poem from which "I screamed O City" comes? I think that's the line, it might not be quite right. Because I can't place it. I think I knew at one time, but just now it is gone. I ask because I wrote a poem using this line for a class and now I want/need to know its origin.


Cheers,
LV

Revisioning

The trouble with revising during the semester is that I haven't spent enough time away from my own writing. Really, when I look at it to revise it I feel like I'm getting stuck with someone on the train for 10 hours that has habits that correlate to all of my pet peeves: they scrape their teeth on their fork as they eat, they stretch into my seat, maybe they even smell. It may be that they are nice and interesting and have other fine qualities, but 10 hours on a train ride isn't the likely place to discover them. Nor is three months packed in with the same texts the likely place for me to find something true about them. Good or bad, by the end of the semester I can't tell. It's all junk and I have only more junk to add to it. Next summer I'll look at my writing, and the revisions, and have something useful to say about them. But right now? Right now it's all bollox.

Cheers,
LV

Seriously, America?

In just a few days I'll be flying home. Oh, where is my ship? Where are the days of climbing aboard a wooden vessel and getting some wind in the canvas and eating weevils in the hard tack?

But seriously. I'm concerned. Not just about the body scanners (which I will refuse, if it comes to it) but the aggressive get-a-grope they are calling a pat down. I'm worried that Maryland appears to have some sort of law that states that  no one is allowed to videotape police officers--or someone is interpreting it that way. And apparently Illinois really does. I'm concerned that Oklahoma's amendment stating that all judges would have to adhere only to state and federal law (as opposed to any foreign law) is being challenged. I'm concerned that illegal immigrants can get driver's licenses. I'm concerned that a New Jersey judge upheld a man's right to rape and beat his wife under Sharia law. (Note: It was later overturned in appeals.) And I'm concerned that we want to continue drilling off-shore. I don't know where to begin with the horror. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and furious.

What's happening out there?

Cheers,
LV

All That Jazz

Right now I'm freezing in my mother's study. She keeps the house well under 70 degrees. However, I am also munching on  a sneak preview of tomorrow's turkey. At least, the first. There shall be two at this year's festivities. This does not out-do the year we had three at the same meal. Still, despite the deliciousness I find it hard to concentrate on anything but the possibility of my toes freezing off. If only there were a seal to gut and then live inside.

Did I take it too far? Did I lose you? If it was only a near-thing or you've come back I promise to keep the carnage to a minimum.

Technically I celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday with m'dad and sisters and his wife in Elkins, WV. There was only a single turkey and I was slightly warmer. Today, after we'd eaten breakfast, we got into a debate on politics from Mrs. Palin and President Obama to the Health Care plan, immigration, and body scans. I started the argument on a throw away joke. Silly of me as I am a loner in that house, at least without my boyfriend around. Oh, holidays, what would you be like if I wasn't being attacked by a bunch of rabid hyenas? Even when I agree with them, I still feel under attack.

And yet I prefer this to conversations of the personal variety. A writer in a household with math and science people is, you can imagine, an enigma. I'm constantly under their construction. One day, they believe, I'll be fixed and instead of living surrounded by books I will succumb to numbers and matched furniture and the ability to survive in an office.

Oh, how foolish. How very, very foolish.

I hope your holidays only involve the deaths of those you plan to eat. Not that I'm advocating cannibalism, mind you.

Gobble!
LV

I Don't Have to Use Java!

I discovered APdivs. I discovered a fantastical website that taught me about APdivs. You, the people who will eventually see my website, will be able to drag and drop text wherever ya want. This is going to be a blast. And I will not have to learn Java. Let us all rejoice.

In fact, I don't know if I could have done it. Perhaps if I was actually going to be in town all week, or had access to Dreamweaver, I would have figured it out. But the APdivs are ultimately easier. As for my progress, I've designed the way I want the pages to look, although I need to go back in and fix spacing issues. I've worked out the bugs I encountered with the APdivs and think (hope, pray) that when I get back from West Virginia it will just be a matter of tweaking the pages I've layed out and inputting the APdivs. That shouldn't take more than one long session in the lab, so that I can then user test the site, so that I can then be done for the semester. Right? Of course, right. I hope. I really, really hope.

Cheers,
LV

A short note on the upcoming festivities seemed in order.

I fly to the WV tomorrow! I'm so very excited. There will be two Thanksgivings and one baby shower. (I hope I will not be forced to hug the baby belly as I was the last time I was in. This time it will be ever so much larger.) I'm also hoping for a trip to see one of my very best friends and trips to a couple of my old jobs to visit people. All this while finishing the massive amounts of project homework I still have to do. (As do we all, I know. Crazy semester's end.) It makes me sleepy just thinking about it. Sometimes, I wish I were my cat or my dogs. Then I remember that they lick themselves and throwup hairballs and I realize how nice it is to have hands and use tools. I hope your holiday week is filled with revelations.

Cheers,
LV

I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.

That's right, Christmas is coming and this is my Oprah's Favorite things blog. Only, instead of Oprah, it's Last Victim's Favorite Things. This is general. Perhaps closer to the holiday I'll give links to things I think everyone should have. For now, this isn't a bad start.

1. Socks.
Most people don't think to put this on their lists of favorite things, but socks are the bees knees. Socks keep your feet warm, they help you slide across slick floors, and they can create an electrical charge. Go socks! You can get them so they don't peep out of your shoes, only come up to the ankles, or slide on up to the knee. I prefer mine to be fun: penguins, hearts, stripes, zebras, musical notes. No one sees my socks so I can do what I want with them. Once again: socks rock.

2. Chocolate.
Though I am currently off caffeine, chocolate is always a favorite. The best for winter: hot chocolate and Lindor truffles. Yum.

3. Gilmore Girls.
Boys, don't knock it till ya watched it. I bet you get hooked. If nothing else, enjoy looking at Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel. Personally, watching this show is part of my writing process.

4. Octopi. Octopuses. Octopodes.
'nuff said.

5. Journals.
A new development. What I really like are the drawing journals. I like to write crooked and feel less guilty if horizontal lines aren't marching disapprovingly across the page.

6. Oranges.
They stave off scurvy.

7. Rifling.
Accuracy.

8. Pride and Prejudice.
Book and BBC film version with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth. If Colin Firth is reading this: I adore you. If Jennifer Ehle is reading this: You are far and away the best Elizabeth.

9. Whisks.
Just say it. It's fun. And handy if you bake.

10. Lumpia.
Eat it. Love it. Then eat it some more.

Cheers,
LV

Faking it.

I gotta learn to fake it.

Pervy. What I mean is that I can't play games, I can't hide what I'm thinking. It's why I insist on doing jobs that I enjoy, that I believe in and working for people I admire. However, at this juncture, what I really want is just a job that I don't hate with people that don't call me and yell at me about my location when I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I bring this up now because I just spent two hours sending out resumes. And I spent most of the last year not exactly loving where I worked. I should have gotten out sooner, but, alas, I was a fool.

My eyebrows always give me away. Perhaps if I shaved them. Or taped them down. Or botoxed them into submission things would be different. Let me know how you fake it. I'll take tips.


Cheers,
LV

Super Villains, Read me!

My final in Editorial Style is a group newsletter. Being a super-geek, I came up with an idea to do a newsletter about super-villains. We've three weeks left, thanks to the holiday. But I think we're making good progress. We've got classifieds (including personals). an article on choosing science or mysticism,  how-tos on picking henchman and making calling cards, and even a gossip column.

I think super-villains the world over will clamor for a copy. I know that if I were planning world domination or just anarchy I'd look to this newsletter.

I even bet you are interested, sinister ones. We're writers. Stability is not our strong suit, but ego, now I hear we have egos similar to super-villains. I mean, in our way we dominate our own little worlds. Of course, that could also be due to social awkwardness, but who cares?

The point: I know my niche market when masked heroes reveal themselves.

Cheers,
LV

Grumpy Old Woman

I'm a grumpy old woman. I want to kick my neighbors who hate my dogs but leave their trash bags sitting in the hallway. I want to bite fathers who yell "No, no, no!" at their kids when they come towards my dogs, even when my dogs are tail wagging while I assure them that the dogs are friendly. Hateful, animal hating city. And if one more dog attacks my dogs, I'm going to start attacking owners.

Why do people in this city dislike dogs? And if they have them why do the bring them up to be anti-social biting monsters? And if they are anti-social biting monsters, why do they think I should cross the street to get my dogs away from their poor, emotionally stunted pet?

Oh, Thanksgiving, get here sooner: family, turkey, and southern manners.

Not-so-cheers,
LV

P.S. Mount Vernon, where I live, is actually very dog friendly. Just my building and street seem to be a pocket of dog-hate in an otherwise awesome area.

Liars!

I have allergies. Most not so severe that m'throat might close, but severe enough. One such is milk. And two days ago I found out that they---I'm guessing the FDA, they regulate labels, right?---allow the label non-dairy to be put on foods that are not, in fact, non-dairy.

How can this be, you ask? (I know you are as shocked as I am so that if you did not ask it, you would have if your tongue and all reason had not failed you.) I don't know! What I do know is that casein and sodium caseinate are derived from milk, a milk protein in fact (sneaky how allergies are actually all to proteins). It is listed in the ingredients, naturally. But as I AM NOT A CHEMIST how would I know that they are milk? I thought milk was spelled m-i-l-k. I would even accept d-a-i-r-y. But not c-a-s-e-i-n.

It is bad enough that there are antibiotics that are made from milk proteins and my doctors don't seem to understand the correlation. I'm lucky that my sister, a pharmacist, warns me of potential problems. But that things actually labeled non-dairy, presumably to be handy for people that don't eat dairy for whatever reason including allergy, can in fact be dairy is not okay.

I"m mad as hell, damn it. And also enlightened about why I haven't been able to get my allergies under control. At least in part. Freakin' liars.

Cheers,
LV

I Have Failed the 80s. (Yes, you did read that right.)

I've got Wham! on Pandora and can only hope that a little 80s can inspire me to greatness. If not the 80s then what? Possibly the early 90s? No later than that, certainly.

I remember, as a kid, thinking all those 80s girls were so glamorous. I wanted their permed and poofed bangs, their off the shoulder sweatshirts, and leg warmers. Now I realize those bangs took a lot of hairspray, they probably weren't wearing bras, and leg warmers are still awesome.

I wanted to be a babysitter thanks to Adventures in Babysitting and save a world by riding on a fluffy white dragon. I have fallen far short of my dreams for while I have been a babysitter I never traipsed over a city with kids in tow and sang the Babysitting Blues and though I do have a fluffy white dog he is not a dragon and not large enough to ride. I also, in naming him, failed to name him Falcor.

Is it possible to recover from such setbacks when one is all ready 27? I have my doubts.

Cheers,

LV

Scar-arrrr-ves.

Well, yes, scarves can now be worn against the cold. But, the fact that it went from 77 to "I'm so cold my joints ache" (yes, I'm like a 90 year old woman that way) is frustrating to me. Fall seems to be having an identity crisis and I think it is going to disappear like that much ignored girl in the Buffy series (yes, I'm a huge geek).

My biggest fear about the loss of fall has to do with my hatred of cold. I want warm. I want sun. I like jackets and gloves but I don't want to have to wear a parka or snow shoe to the local grocery. Of course, this is why I want to move south upon graduation. However, publishing jobs tend to be in the Winter-Lasts-Too-Long-North. Why? Is it so cold that they presume all you can do is read whereas if you lived in the south you might actually go outside?

I find this awful or, at least, not okay.

So that's the gist--this weather is not okay.

Also, I'm not interesting enough to blog about three times a week. I apologize. I'll try for better next week.

Cheers,
LV

Begging for Candy Really Should Only Happen One Day A Year

Oh, West Virginia, why are you so silly sometimes?

The thing is, I love my state. I might not have appreciated it fully until I left it, but I do in fact love that I am a West Virginian. I doubt you'll find people as kind, as generous, or as hardworking as those I've grown up with.

Not that we don't have our problems: meth, trailers on stilts, and Halloween trick-or-treating not happening on Halloween.

The last one I find the most concerning. Why are we celebrating a holiday not on that holiday? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Isn't the day itself important? And, I've heard all the reasons. It is way too dangerous for kids when adults are out celebrating, people are up to sneaky rituals, blah blah, blah. There are no facts to support this and, more, Baltimore tricks or treats on Halloween. Big Bad City versus tiny, tiny town in rural WV. Which one is the more dangerous? Has the higher crime rates? And, yet, kids survive trick or treating in Baltimore every single year.

I'm sayin', WV, stop the insanity.


Cheers,
LV

P.S. We do have wineries. Kirkwood being one. We also have college, wear shoes, and marry our cousins only as frequently as any other state.

I Made This:

Time to Adam and Eve*.

Would you want to play some poetry mad libs? I think yes. Would you be even more excited if much of this poetry were in cockney rhyming slang? I thought so!

(Now that I've tested my Dora the Explorer method of writing, I'll move along.)

I've been a little obsessed with cockney for the last year or so. There are a few books that I have been just looking for an excuse to buy. I think I may have found it. The excuse. For the final project I'm thinking a Mad Libs-esque poetry page. It is basically a hypertext narrative, only there isn't necessarily a narrative. I ought to have discussed this, most likely, with the teachers. Instead, I'm moving ahead like I've got a plan and a goal and a keen desire to make a complicated page and complicate it with complicated language. I hope they like it. I hope I like it. I hope I can write more cockney poems. If it was just a one time fluke, this project will be a fail.

Also, if this doesn't work out I'm not sure what I'll do. In my soon-to-be-a-crotchety-hermit way I hate being filmed/having pictures taken, am repulsed by Twitter, and especially hate when people get on my lawn. What does this possibly leave me for alternative projects?

Cheers,
LV

*Adam and Eve being rhyming slang for believe.

A Hitch in the Homework

None of the video will save. I don't know what I'm doing differently on the PC, but I can't get any video to save. To even offer me the option of saving. I will have to go to class early in order to have everything ready to go when class actually begins. I find this frustrating.

As was the struggle to find a topic that would in any way be relevant to life. I think I've decided on using Dreamweaver for my final project but what I want to do is a little bit scary. At least for a novice web page-er. (Yes, I make up words daily. So should you.) Also, it is in no way relevant to iMovie making.

What helps? This video about personal hygiene. One of the many I have come across as I have been looking for video for my project. Oh, wacky military. You are so silly.

What else would help? Having my very own iMovie expert residing in a shirt pocket. But if wishes were horses, we'd all be walkin' in poo.

Cheers,
LV

The All Seeing Eye of Akbar

I've been obsessing about this video for class all week. I haven't been posting because I've been harassing everyone I come into contact with about what I can video. On my phone I have some seriously classic footage of the Preakness Parade. (Shockingly awful. I saw boobs.) But, it is on m'phone. My apartment--well, that'd be as boring as it gets. I have no furniture, three animals, and a boyfriend who would not appreciate being filmed.

I actually thought about interviewing his band and taking some video of band practice. Alas! Fail! As they just got back from tour they took this week off. Wednesday I am more than welcome to come and tape. Useful, that.

I could video my dogs. Mostly, they lie around and do gassy, old man things. Not enticing. (Yes. They are very old. )

Which actually leads me to the conclusion: I think it is going to have to be random. Yes, I'll do a video for my family: Top 10 Reasons To Visit Me In Baltimore. One of them will definitely be the threat of The All Seeing Eye of Akbar. I do not have video of this--video, I believe, would break the camera--but I do have a picture I can splice in. Oooh. And the mating peacocks. Tomorrow, I'll get some footage of the dragons (that will come in the night and kill you) and, you know, a few other Baltimore fun things. Nothin' like a deadline to inspire.

Cheers,
LV

Just Read the No Kill Nation Post. Seriously.

Sick week extended. Even less to report. Weevils still in the flour.

Ach and grr! That is what I have to say about one illness starting after another. It oughta be outlawed. I'll have a fast-draw gun fight and then no other illnesses will dare to double up. Put on my low slung holsters and quick-draw like no one in the west ain't never quick drawed before.

....I may be watching too many westerns. But, when one is ill, how much is too much? Reading makes my head ache right now (though I have readin' and writin' to do for school) and lying about in bed is all I've got the energy for. And while lying about in bed I'm enjoying watching cowboys. John Wayne or Josh Brolin, I don't care. Horses and hats and women who can shoot.

Which brings me to my other predicament (the first being my inability to be well for more than a day): I don't shoot. I want to shoot. M'dad offered me a gun when I moved to the city but I felt this was problematic on many a level. First, they say that you should be prepared to have any weapon you wield turned against you. Oh. And I can't shoot! He did offer to teach me. And maybe the next time I'm at his house we'll have target practice with the pistol. (Providing I get glasses. If I can't see the target I don't imagine I'll be doin' great shooting.)

I don't want to use it for self-defense. I just want to know how. It will add to my useful skill set which feels, today, empty. So, shooting would bring up to 1 on practical skills. I sort-of sew, but the sort-of really defeats the practical bit. OH! I make awesome western costumes out of sheets and bed skirts. (I'm sensing a theme.) I also do a pretty good twangy accent---coming from a land of twang I've actually had to work to keep it out of my voice.

Well, now that I've made you the victim of my crazy head, all I have left to say is

Cheers,
LV

No Kill Nation

Okay, just this once, nothing ironic or funny. Just a really good movement that I believe in. Go to the site. Look around.

My pets haven't come from shelters, but only one of them came from a pet store. I take in strays.

Right now, I have a cat named Davey. We found him in a Wal-Mart parking lot. When I took him to the regular shelter, thinking this tiny kitten would surely find a home fast (I was just starting college and had three dogs at the time), I was told that a biting cat couldn't be adopted. I tried to explain he had only bitten my mom after we had trapped him once then had to switch boxes because there was a hole in the one he was in. He was, at the time, about the size of my hand. Eyes open but so, so tiny. Fiercely afraid of everything. The explanation did not move the woman behind the desk so I asked for the cat back. He's four now and is the most affectionate cat I've ever been around. He likes to "give kisses" by rubbing his face against mine or my boyfriend's. He often sleeps curled in the crook of one of our arms while we sleep. He comes when called. Likes showers. And meows loudly when we leave the apartment. Yeah, some biting cat. Left up to the county shelter, he wouldn't have had any life.

He is not the first animal I've taken in, won't be the last. But I hate knowing that there are a lot of animals not finding homes or a chance. Particularly ones that have all ready been mistreated or neglected and need a little extra care and attention.

Cheers,
LV

Last Victim Etiquette

Sick week. Little to report. There are weevils in the flour.

Which one is the lie? Well, the last. My flour is, in fact, very well put away. I pride myself on having well sealed flour. What kind of lady, or Last Victim, would dare to do otherwise? Sealed flour and no slips showing, them's the rules, pals.And I, Not So Southern Lady that I am, have sealed flour and, to ensure against slip edges, don't wear slips. I have forsworn the skirt or the dress in an effort to be rid of the pesky fax pas of the showing slip edge.

It might be important to also not talk on a cell phone in a grocery line or to actually hold a door for someone coming in behind you or to not show bra-straps or undies. But with a quick jaunt through town I can see each of these things happening and know that I am the last line with my flour and my pinned-up (or just absent) slips.

Good luck, chums, with drawing your own lines.

Cheers,
LV

Shameless Advertisment

Car Party, the boyfriend's band, leaves on tour this Thursday. I'm quite excited. They all ready have a Russian radio station playing their single. This, I think, bodes well for all of us. If they get big in Europe, I'm game for moving. I found out recently that I too often use British spellings, thinking they are American. This, though, would make me an ideal writer for a British editor. (Don't you burst any bubbles. Hear me?)

Car Party, in case you are wondering, as an Indie-pop-dance band. I think. I think that's the label-ish thing we're giving them. But if you are curious by this mind boggling mix of musical genre, I suggest you listen to them. Or buy their EP. Or become slavishly devoted to them, requesting them on your local stations until the radio must put them on or endure fans picketing outside. Then, of course, you can start in on the newspapers and magazines. Then, we'll take over the world with music and a hand-pumping dance!

Also, as I just discovered, you can learn their lyrics in time for the tour! Yes, apparently, one excited fan has all ready posted them on elyrics.net. Don't you want to be an excited fan? I know I want you to. be. an excited fan. (That sounded better in my head.)

Whatever. Learn it. Love it. Live it. Car Party!

Cheers,
LV

P.S. I tried to post a picture, but no. I could not. Their website is all protected and whatever. I could post ones that I have but they are all only of the boyfriend. Who, while vital, is not in fact the entire band. Instead, follow a link and look at the pretty pictures. Or go to iunes and buy the pretty music. Also, I promise not to do this again. Probably.

Feathers and Leather

I believe that Eddie Izzard's hilarity is in direct proportion to how hot his clothes are. The better the clothes--particularly pants and shoes--the better the comedy. Thanks to Netflix I have come up with this theory, the basis for my future doctoral thesis. I'm quite excited.

I mean, I've been searching for what to do with my life. First and english degree, then an MFA. What was I planning with those? But no. Now, now I know. I excel at TV watching. In a practical vein I might say I want to become a TV writer--but I'd rather write a thesis on comedy linked to a comedian's fashion. I can sound smarmy. And be called Dr. I can get money for talking about my findings and make appearances on I Love the [Insert Decade Here]. What's not to love?



Cake or Death? A little Muttley with your Bond? He's wearing hot black pants and high-heeled shoes for both. Trust me. Be guided by his clothes.

Also, just enjoy. He makes history and language funny. And really is dressed to kill.

Cheers,
LV

The End is Nigh!

I think I'm done with the webpage. Just waiting to see if I can upload everything to my student web space. If I do/am personally able then I will really be all done. Except for finishing up the paper. Oh, the paper. Where I get to chat about all my foibles and follies and want-to-smash-the-computer moments over the last weeks.

Sounds like good readin'.

But this waiting on the H drive to become available makes me sad. I wouldn't have left it until the last minute except that I had no intention of trying to upload the page until the last minute. I finally decided on my text color--yeah, still not sure, but going with it--and thought: I should try to upload this!

Brilliant.

I mean, once you see the page you'll understand how really technical I got just creating it. I mean, with its super static layout and one text box. So, sure I can figure this out. Totally.

Hope all your webspaces are done and done beautifully.

Cheers,
LV

Not a foodie, but a review just the same

I just got back from lunch at Kona Grill. The boyfriend is a bartender there so we got to be part of their practice opening--which meant free food and drinks. Very cool.

Except that I am so picky. Alex has been going on about the deliciousness for weeks now. Of course, when he goes on about it he talks about coconut-this or pineapple-that. And some-sort-of-nut-crusted-meat. Which to you, with your adult taste buds, probably sounds fantastic.

But, I like mac'n'cheese. Hot dogs. I do like veggies--squash casserole, potato soup. But green and leafy are basically bad words. (Yes, I know. I know every thought you are thinking about the badness of this.)

So, I was afraid when we went in today because there were no substitutions for the practice round. If it came with spinach, I couldn't sub wok-tossed veggies. If rice came with coconut, I was going to have to cope.

Goodie for me, I was pleasantly surprised. The lemon-crusted halibut did come with spinach and coconut-rice. I admit to not even tasting the spinach, but the rice was really good. (I got the sauce on the side.) Plus, Alex's Las Vegas roll was fantastic. I thought I was done with sushi. My last two sushi meals were less than appealing; memorable but not in a good way. But Kona's sushi--that I would do again.

But the best part: a free drink with lunch. And I do mean adult beverage. Strawberry-Basil Lemonade deliciousness. If I didn't have class tonight I would have had 2 or 5 more. At which point Alex would have had to pour me into a cab, but I would have felt that it was ample reward for the 4 hours I spent in the design lab yesterday and an incentive for the hours I'm planning to spend tomorrow.

So, my point: If you are a little less picky than I am, go and eat at Kona. You know, when it opens. Also (because I'm totally self-serving) tip your bartender well.

Cheers,
LV

Lasso of Truth

Because Wonder Woman is my hero.

Actually, it is magnetic and it is in Photoshop. But it is also the lasso of truth because I can't quite get it to function. I blame my parents. I didn't have video games when I was coming up. Well, we had a Sega, a master system Sega, and Ghostbusters, Duck/Safari Hunt, and Motor-Cross. I hunted wild game because the gun was fairly easy to aim.

When I attempted the heights of Mario Brothers, I discovered I didn't know how to jump. Which brings us to now. I still can't jump over those random gaps in Mario. Nope. I die in each and every crevice or fire-pit, only making it to the next level is someone takes pity and helps me.

Which brings me back to the lasso and the cropping tools. Yeah, sure, the rest of my generation are savvy, could be surgeons. I, I have clumsy hands. The left one, well, it has a Frankenstein scar that excuses its extra oafishness, but what excuse the right? Laziness, I think. They just don't want to do anything else. I mean, all ready they type all day. (Swift they are too. Their one skill.) So, they've decided no more. If I want to use computer tools with any sort of dexterity, I'm going to have to use my feet.

Cheers,
LV

Don't Panic! Wait. Too late.

I have settled into a mid-semester panic. The temperature fluctuates between freezing and sweltering. The locals talk too fast and I'm pretty sure there is drowning in my future. My dog is barking at air, so he senses it too. Animals do that, sense natural disasters and make for higher ground. Unfortunately, he's trapped with the natural disaster (namely me) and so can only announce his distress.

And, in all honesty, I can't say why.(Why the panic, not his having no ability to flee the scene.) It isn't loads of work or even my newly perpetual status as unemployed. (Newly because, until I moved to Baltimore, I was always gainfully employed and much loved by said employer.) Why the heart racing, sweaty palms, and shortness of breath?

Maybe because everything seems due the same week. Or I'm pretty sure I've never written "literary fiction" in m'life, despite years of writing. It could be my utter lack of technological skills or technology having.

Maybe it is my big-mouthed opinionated honesty. I need a shut off valve. I really, really do. Instead, I yammer away in class, like the dork that I am. I yammer away on-line, like the dork that I am. I'm telling you, a muzzle, a catatonic state, or even just a martini would be welcome right about now.

In the meantime, I've got Douglas Adams: Don't Panic.

Cheers,
LV

Magic Talking Box

I have entered the millennium. I have internet. I have Netflix. I can't believe I've been missing out on all this awesome. Why didn't someone tell me?!

I mean, of course people did tell me. But they didn't make it clear. They didn't mention that I could watch movies from 1985 as well as last year's Shark Week. I can get as much Mike Rowe (who I am obsessed with) as I want. I can finish watching Buffy, the series. I can sing-along with Doris Day. Every day.

I still don't have anything but rabbit-eared reception for my television, but with so much to catch up on I can only think that if I did get something better I would never do my homework, make dinner, heck, get up off my bed.

How have the rest of you been functioning with your Hulu, and your delivered daily movies, DVRs, tv on your phone, Facebook on your electronic book reader?

There's so much goodness--and badness!--to be watched, scanned, read, mocked that I can't even conceive a schedule in which I could get to it all.

And I want to. I want it all.

Or maybe that's just the soda talking.

Cheers,
LV

Corrugated Cardboard and Curtains

I don't know about WordPress. The sites I've seen are lovely, but sort-of generic and corporate, somehow. As I finished watching Just One of the Boys, I can't help but think the 1980s non-PC-ness (yep, made that up) shines in comparison to the newly polished movies on the same themes. I mean, you watch Just One of the Boys and then watch She's the Man, with Amanda Bynes. (Don't get me wrong. I like Amanda Bynes.) But which one surprises you? Makes you laugh? I bet it is going to be the first.

(Note: The kid playing the younger brother, credited as Billy Jacoby but now on IMDB as Billy Jayne, grew up quite nice. And slutty girl grew up to play both Sasha and Anna Nardini on Gilmore Girls.)

How does that apply to web design? Well, if I'm as polished or a s boxed as a corporate site, I think I will 1) want to gouge my eyes out and 2) be dishonest enough to be off-putting.

Or is that crazy talk? Does every body want sleek and shiny? Posh and boxy? Is this what the world has come to be, folks?

Ahem. Back on track: Tuesday I'm gonna spend some design time with WP, if it doesn't go well, I'll commit to working in the lab. If that doesn't go well, I'll be forced to drop out of my program and take up residence in the fall-back of all English-Lit majors: Life in a Box.

Anyone get a new refrigerator recently?

Cheers,
LV

Hernias Suck Like Having No Cash When a Psychic Wants You

My boyfriend broke himself and BookFest is kind of dull. I am looking forward to Ms. Kimberly, in a scant hour, at the City Lit tent. Otherwise, my walk through was sort of blerg. (For more on blerg, see 30 Rock and my idol, Tina Fey.)

So, the boyfriend has pulled something and is still headin' into work. (Training, so he will, I hope, sit for the duration.) Also, he's a grumpy studier and this injury is not helping his I-Have-To-Take-Tests disposition. (Which is, to clarify, ill.)

Add to that my attempt at distraction, namely blocks of books, failing and I am not a happy LV. The Chesapeake has struck again. Last year there was a very nifty tent where books were being re-bound with hinges, Poes abounded, and the general festivity was infectious.

This year, my big excitement was being stopped by a psychic who wanted to read my palm. This was less exciting as I had no cash to pay her and so did not, in fact, get my palm read. Maybe she'll still be around when I go back and have exciting things to tell me. I certainly hope so.

Also, why do we not, UB MFA-ers, have a tent? I say we should. Next year. Memoir will have its book out by then, our classmates and graduates are busily publishing. We should be our own fun. Oooh. And maybe we could have some Plork gear on hand to peddle?

What say you?

I say, Go!

Cheers,
LV

Nutrition Information

So, fat content? Calories? Total carbs? Well, those are going to be high, but don't expect your cholesterol to benefit.

I'm thinking of using this phrase, Not So Southern, as a tag for me as a person and a writer. I definitely feel the need to describe my background as I come from the regionally confusing West Virginia (we seceded to fight for the North, but ya'll know we got accents and serve sweet tea). Plus, I love the trees, the waving at strangers, chatting people up when I'm in line at the market but I also spent my formative years in cities with their museums and have never shot a gun let alone tried to blend into the trees to shoot a deer. (Of course, my family tradition is more Napping Season, than hunting. I think that's why they are all better at fishing. You can basically sleep until something snags your line, be it old boot or actual fish.)

Anyway, the gist of that ramble is: My background informs my writing and my writing is everything from dirty sex poems, to funny memoirs, to poems about canning (that is, picking vegetables and preparing them to keep in jars).

I also aspire to write fiction. Probably science-fiction. So, yeah, as stated before, I'm quirked. I feel people need a little prepartion for that.

Plus, I like blogging. So, that could be a fun portion of the page, letting people know what I'm up too. (I also think it would be a little boot to the bum to send work out. If I didn't, what would I report?)

And, on that news front: I hope that there will be news. Right now, my memoir class is publishing a collection. And, I'm tapped. But, as I suggested to someone else, I'd love to support my fellow MFA-ers on the site and their upcoming stuff. (Like Ms. Kimberly and her recent publication. So excited for her.)

Maybe I could do the whole thing as a future page--as if I'm successful all ready. Or at least marginally active.

So, the break down:

1) Who I am and how that happened,

2) What I write, with samples. I think.

3) A blog, 'cause I said so.                

4) News--mine and fellow writers.      

5) Something just for fun.                   

Sudoku? Word Search? OOH! One of those puzzles where you have to move thepieces inside of the box to make it?  (If I use the anatomy thing, it could be another anatomy picture.) Or links to my influences, like Highlights, the children's magazine?

I actually think content is the toughest. Also, I need to put writing samples up, but once I do that, it is off limits (basically) for publishing.

Oh, the horror!

Cheers,

LV





There's No Place Like Home

Dorothy had it right, is all I'm saying. (Yes, this is The Wizard of Oz theory of web-page building.)  I don't like getting deep into Munchkinland and finding out I have to hike a yellow-brick road home. What I mean by this is that, when wandering over a page, I don't want to have back button my way to the main page or even type in the address again. (This is especially bad as I often don't know what it is.) I want something as quick and incantatory as Dorothy's magic slippers, i.e. a link that clearly says Home.

Navigating a page should be easy. I would especially think as a beginning writer I need to make it as simple as possible for visitors. Why would they bother to discover when they don't have a vested interest? It isn't like they are stuck over the rainbow with a badass witch hot on the trail. They've got their own magic, be it a new google search or simply  clicking a tiny x with their magic arrow; ain't nothin' keepin' them in Oz.

I was thinking of separating out my writing, on the off chance that I get published  in more than one genre. But, whatever the topic separation, I want each one to be represented on each page. I don't want someone to have to go home to get to a new location. (Although,I'm fairly certain that Dorothy's shoes only work in Oz, so the theory breaks down here.)



Cheers,
LV

Stream of Thought, or a Caffeinated Midnight

Alex and I nearly argued--okay, not nearly--about the website project earlier. Alex, my boyfriend, actually has some design background and is all artist-y while I, well, we'll just say, I don't/am not. Which is fine. But brainstorming aloud, in a very general way, with a fellow who has all this specific knowledge ended badly.

He did, however, give me this: He calls my writing both quirky and lyrical. Which I thought a compliment as well as a good thing to keep in mind for design.  But, oh, how to be quiirky yet not annoying/cliched/too complex?

Again, he has suggestions. He thinks I should  channel a project I did in Creativty and I may. It has some cool elements that I might be able to use including a really old dictionary, an old anatomy book, and this awesome purple paper made with the leaves of some fruiting tree or plant. (No, not vague at all.)

Just now, in fact, I was thinking about photographing this anatomy picture of a hand and perhaps having each finger link to a different thing---which doesn't sound too spiffy when I say it like that, I know. But seriously, the illustration is fantastic and I'm always using science (especially anatomy) in my poetry.

I do want something clean and inviting, too, though.

Also, I'm not sure about which platform to use. I'd like to use Dreamweaver just to get the hang of the thing, but I've had a look 'round Word Press for another project and think it might be the ticket. Particularly since I haven't got a Mac and WordPress doesn't require it.

(I only today got internet at home and am over excited about the fact that I'm doing my homework in bed, in m'pjs, at midnight. Very exciting stuff here and a much more comfortable and inspiring place to brain storm than the 24 hour lab.)

Well, I'll keep at it.

Cheers,
LV

Mercenary Me

What do I want to learn? I am to name one thing in all of the inter-webbable world that I want to learn? And to this knowing about 1/20th of a teaspoon of how to do things on the 500 gallon and growing net? (That metaphor didn't quite work out, but I leave it to you to come up with a better one. Post below. Because, I really, at 12:49 a.m. cannot construct better).

But I digress. What I want to learn...Well, if I leave out things that I can't learn, and certainly not in this class, then that leaves nearly all things. (I'm leaving out drawing, hence the nearly. Despite the fact that I would love to do this:

http://stuffnoonetoldme.blogspot.com/) 

But, if I'm gettin' down to the nitty gritty, except for a keen desire to know how to create a really intense search engine for my site (thus making it super easy to navigate), I would like to learn all about how to make the web work for me, as in, make me money, make me known thus making me money, make me a better writer thus making me money. (That's right. I like me. And money for me.)

So, what would do this? Aside from a genie, I mean how to get a really clean looking site that is easily navigable, but fresh, how to imbed my blog so my page is a one-stop shop, and other such joy. Cool graphics are essential. But how does one get/make/conjure them? (Nifty graphics like Larry Doyle has and that I want.)

And, of course, how to make me findable. What are the words to use to help direct people to my site? How do I know them? How do I do whatever it is that they do to do that? And, that, I think is the one thing I will settle on. Because being findable, well, that's half the battle.

Or was that something else?

Cheers,

LV

Hanging Loose, obviously the coolest literary journal ever bound

So, okay. I could be wrong about this because it is actually in paper form still and not on-line, so I didn't actually get to peruse the pages.Furthermore, I realize this, to some degree, may seem ananthema to this particular class. But, as I have been inundated with conversation about the death of print, I found it reassuring to find a literary journal with a kickin' history that is still being published on paper, sent into homes.

I have to order it to support it. But also because, if you read the main page's history lesson, how could anyone refuse? They were one of the first publishers of Denise Levertov and Sherman Alexie. I love the former's poetry and havne't read enough of the second's to say, but his The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian is fantastic. (Haven't read it? You should. Are not now, immediately ordering it? A pox on you!)

However, they do have this very cool information up-front and easy to follow links to their published books (and they have many) and to the ordering form for the actual journal where you can pick the size of your addiction, much like ordering coffee at Trendy Coffee Warehouse: 3, 6, or 9 issues/3, 6, or Nueve.

Of course, the links to all that other stuff is off to the left hand side and pretty tiny. It would be nice if it were a cleaner, larger construction.

Plus, they are all about the new writers and, as a new writer, I have to love that kind of commitment.

Order it. Read it. Love it.

Cheers,
LV

Good Author, Bad Page

I love Science-Fiction and Fantasy stories. I say this now because it will likely be a theme. Also, I want everyone to know that the author whose page I dislike is also an author that I like to read. (At left is the cover art for a collaboration she did with one of the best sci-fi authors, Anne McCaffrey)

Jodi Lynn Nye, for such a successful sci-fi/fantasy writer, has a page that is amateruish at best. The writing is funny and smart, but the cat-themed graphics and backgrounds don't scream professional. On top of that, the first page is oddly placed cover art and random links to her different books.

As a new reader, I would want an idea of who/what I was checking out when I hit up her site. As there isn't much on this first page, I might veer quickly away based only on graphics. As someone who knows her work, I'm more interested in news and upcoming books, both of which you have to navigate away from the main page to find.

The information, though, is well organized and easy to find. But her layout and look definitely need some help.

Still, she's worth reading. And, she goes to my favorite place on earth: Dragon*Con.  You should too.

Cheers,
LV

Not For Kids

Yes, I did indeed love the books where I got to make decisions for the characters. I even still own one or two and have, over the years, traveled back through their possible ends.

Of course, on-line, they exist all over the place as hypertext narratives. And one I've found, and enjoyed, has to come with a warning: This choose-your-own story is not for kids. It is hilarious. It is ridiculous. But it is definitely not for kids. Still, I think you too should Select Your Destiny, a mini-mock from I-Mockery.com.

Book 1, which I've provided the handy link for, is funny enough that you might want more. And that's where the page fails a little. You basically just have to use their search engine to find the books two through whatever. (Although, since the site is all ready getting its Halloween on, the Halloween Select Your Destiny is easy to find.  Plus, the search engine is very effective.)

On the upside, the choices always fall as links at the end of the selection and, provided you've chosen wrong, you get a snarky start-over message to get you back on track.

What could any adult want more?

Cheers,
LV

Larry Doyle: Funny writer, success story, and awesome page haver

Larry Doyle is not a little known author. No.

As his page states, "he was born on planet earth. He is a primate." He is also awesome. He has written screenplays, is a former writer for the Simpson's, and has his very own books--that he has also had made into movies.

I think I want to be him when I grow up. Him or Tina Fey. It is a tough decision as far as grown-up aspirations go. But I can say, without hesitation, that I want his page.

First, the overall theme is lovely. With its drive-in movie and black and white sci-fi reel, this main page is obviously thematically about his newest novel Go, Mutants! As you can see from the above picture, it is all about those early thrills and B-movie spills.

But the page is also super easy to navigate. At the top of the page are links (with correlating graphics) titled blog, book, ink, tv, film, meat, and contact. Following each link takes you much where you would expect. Except, perhaps, meat. And on each new page the links are repeated with a new one that will take the viewer home. Going a step further, you can scroll over the pages and find yourself warped to book excerpts and other fun stuff like cult classics and Gidget movies--obvious inspirations for the book and the page.

From this web portal, one definitely gets a sense of who Larry Doyle is as a writer--quirky, funny, smart. If you are enticed to keep viewing and reading the pages, then how could you not be enitced to buy the books or see his movies?

As far as what would I change---mm, occassionally as you explore the fun, there is no way home but the back button. I always like a way to get back to the main page in case I've strayed too far afield, gotten bored, or have decided there was something vital I needed/missed.

But, mostly, I would only change the owner of the page from Mr. Doyle, to me.

Cheers,
LV

Take Two, Electric Boogaloo

So, I began this class last semester. Well, I took an hour of this class last semester, but, when I found out that it would be offered again in the fall (rather than in the spring) I decided to make space in the crowded room.

Also, having no computer or internet last time around I was concerned about the amount of time I would be spending in computer labs. Not, of course, that the situation has changed, but I'm planning to change it within the next couple of weeks. I'd rather be blogging and creating in my house, in my pjs, with a cup of hot chocolate and the dogs snoring at my feet (or, more likely, dropping their damp tennis balls on my feet in order to distract me).

On bringing my apartment into a world of technology, I will keep you posted.

Which brings us up to date, I believe, in the LV saga.


Cheers,
LV

Last Victim Speaks

Last Victim, a.k.a. Tabitha, is practicing blog-o-lot. Today, on this first and (I admit) terrifying day of class I have learned, hey, I don't actually have to be terrified. For this I am thankful. I am definitely looking forward to the class, the semester, and the "best part", a.k.a gaining marketable skills. Marketable translates to money and money translates to yay! or, you know, something more adult and appropriate. (But, yeah, mostly just yay!)

Upcoming posts will be all about e-publishing. Now, off to the research.